Vision for the Future

8:51PM - The Fruits of boredom

 Damn, I hate when I drop my bowler cap








In the future, everyone will look like my drawings

12:39PM - Crazy as Hell entry

Badass, no?

Triceratops on a Motorcycle
Crazy as Hell.

That's what it says on the back of my Ipod, but the saying has become so much more.
I plan to turn this saying into my motto for a new family coat of arms at some point. I'm trying to get a proper latin translationof crazy as hell.  The closest I've attained is Rabidus sicum abyssus. Any latin folks around that can help me out with this?



Dan didn't think he could draw a motorcycle either....

12:41PM - Creative Possibilities!

Fantastic News Lads!

Thanks to everyone's favourite videosite Tou Tube. I was able to find the most fantabulous kids in the hall sketch of all time. Creative Possibilities, AKA the office submarine sketch. For those of you who don't know. I saw this sketch probably a good 6 years ago in grade 10 and have never stopped quoting it since. Even though I seem to be the only one to have ever seen it. Now I can share the joy of the sketch with all of you. I do hope it lives up to the standard you were all expecting. So without further delay, office, submarine! *kermit the frog cheer*

Edit: I don't think LJ likes the embedded player, so here's the link... I guess.







Dan telephoned the sketch a little but it's still hilarious

9:00AM - An Awesome Update Of Ultimate Proportions

9 days left... 






Dan knows what's going to happen, do you?

6:20PM - A pressie!

The future has been pretty quiet lately, I was starting to get worried when I received this package by post earlier today.


The flying molecules show us that this is obviously more advanced than our puny present day writers block.

Yes, it's the dreaded space writers block. It was so cool my camera couldn't take pictures of it so I had to draw it for you. So now I have to go on a quest to find the anti-writers block. For those of you who aren't cunning science men I'll explain: For every regular thing, there's an anti-thing, which if brought together to occupy the same space, explode! Or something. At least that's how I think it works.

Now I could just dump it on the side of the road, but being the enviromentally conscious *shifty eyes* man that I am, the only way to get rid of it without ruining someone elses creative flare would be to find the anti- Space writers block.
The only problem is that space is really big... sorta infinite... and I'm kinda lazy... and hungry too. Fuck this...




Dan went to throw the Space writers block on the side of the road right after finishing this post...

11:56AM - Take two...

Okay, so I did this quiz myself, got the idea from the badger's. I would say the results were surprising... but they weren't...

You Are A: SQUID!!

You are by no means cute, but you do have neat tenticles. While by no means adorable, you can change colours to suit your environment. No one will mess with you, for you are awesome and kick whale‘s ass any day of the week. There are few undersea animals witch can match your cool. With your tentacles of fury you are well known to deliver roundhouse kicks to all those who make you mad.

You were almost a: Emu or a Moose
You are least like a: Unicorn or a DragonWhat Awesome Animal Are You?

5:41PM - Random Robot

...And then I ate the bowl!

Dan warns you to be wary of Rampaging Robots... and bread bowls...

7:00PM - Jeans Will be the Death of me

Lately, I’ve noticed a disgusting trend among young folk. Now I know that you’re saying, “But Dan, there’s a million disgusting trends among young people!” I know this, but this one just irks me. Pre-ripped jeans. Now, I’m down with wearing a pair of pants that’s not in perfect condition. I have several pairs that are ripped in many locations. Yet the fact that people will spend money to buy pre-ruined jeans boggles my mind.

 These don't look cool! Ass.

How lazy must you be to spend your money on damaged goods? You don’t go out and buy pre-chewed food because it takes too much effort to do it yourself. You don’t see people spending extra money on that brand new mustang with pre-fabricated dents to show how hip they are. If you want to show your individually, do it yourself! Lazy vaginas…

In the future our clothes will only become more ripped, ragged and destroyed in a futile attempt at becoming more fashionable and sexy. With our clothes so ragged, no one will be able to receive any service from any stores instituting their no shirts, no shoes, no service policy. People will starve to death yet stubbornly refuse to wear the obviously less fashionable and cool un-ripped jeans. People will riot in the streets, and eventually some nuclear bombs will go off… for some reason. Then everyone will generally have a pretty crappy time for a while. Oddly enough the future will look a lot like Conan the barbarian…

 Conan is fucking tough. Don't mess with post-nuclear Conan. Ass

Dan really loves saying Ass. Ass.

9:10PM - And the winner is...

Okay! Here is my list of winners for the 2006 oscars. As always my predictions are guaranteed 100% accurate unless they’re wrong. Enjoy!

I’ll start with the ones I really have no clue about.

Best Short Film, Live Action
Six Shooter (2005) - Martin McDonagh

Why? It’s called Six Shooter it must be tough

Best Short Film, Animated

One Man Band (2005) - Mark Andrews, Andrew Jimenez

Just a guess really, no reasoning

Best Documentary, Short Subjects

 A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin (2005) - Corinne Marrinan, Eric Simonson

Emmmm…

Best Documentary, Features

Marche de l'empereur, La (2005) - Luc Jacquet, Yves Darondeau

Penguins are super cute!

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year

Paradise Now (2005) - Hany Abu-Assad (Palestine)

Don’t ask why, I know these things.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) - Steve Box, Nick Park

Kicks Corpse Bride’s Ass!

Best Achievement in Visual Effects

King Kong (2005) - Joe Letteri, Brian Van't Hul, Christian Rivers, Richard Taylor

Screw you War of the Worlds!

Best Achievement in Sound Editing

King Kong (2005) - Mike Hopkins, Ethan Van der Ryn

Again, see above

Best Achievement in Sound

Walk the Line (2005) - Paul Massey, Doug Hemphill, Peter F. Kurland

Because you’re mine, I walk the line

Best Achievement in Makeup

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) - Howard Berger, Tami Lane

They gotta win something.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song

Hustle & Flow (2005) - Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman, Paul Beauregard ("It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp")

I just like the title

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score

Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Gustavo Santaolalla

Yee-haw, gay cowboys

Best Achievement in Costume Design

Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Colleen Atwood

I might have an easier time predicting if I had seen all these movies…

Best Achievement in Art Direction

King Kong (2005) - Grant Major, Dan Hennah, Simon Bright

King Kong was actually quite the artiste!

Best Achievement in Editing

Munich (2005) - Michael Kahn

Eric Bana screwing, together with scenes of palestians killing people. Hilarious!

Best Achievement in Cinematography

The New World (2005) - Emmanuel Lubezki

This one deserves it

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published

Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana

For some reason people think it’s novel to see two gay men romantically involved on the big screen, I don’t blame them

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

The Squid and the Whale (2005) - Noah Baumbach

SQUID!!!

Best Achievement in Directing

Steven Spielberg for Munich (2005)

I don’t care if he’s an underdog baby!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener (2005)

I really liked her in this role.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Everyone is on about Heath, but I thought Jake did a really good job.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line (2005)

She’s quite the singer

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote (2005)

I’m not going to try and argue this one

Best Motion Picture of the Year

Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Diana Ossana, James Schamus

I liked it, shut up.

Well those are the predictions. Please feel free to post your own predictions, I’d love to compare and make fun of your choices.

Dan wonders how he could be any more awesome

10:56AM - Futury Election Coverage Continues!

My predictions for the future of Canada continue today as I will focus on the current Prime Minister and the Liberals. In 2004 the Liberals lead by the now 67 year old Martin manages to capture 135 seats in the house to form a minority government. But at the time, no one knew Paul Martin’s dark secret... Everyone has heard of the Sponsorship Scandal (Or if you haven’t, I don’t blame you.) In which $100 million dollars was misappropriated. The Auditor General reported that this money had been paid to advertising firms and stuff like that. But that was just a trick to misdirect the unknowing citizens of Canada.

Little did we know that ‘Paul Martin’ was funneling these funds from Canada to offshore bank accounts which would then be transferred to ‘Paul Martin’s real home nation of Latveria! Yes folks Our funny looking prime minister is none other than Doctor Victor Von Doom. Self appointed King of Latveria and evil super genius! With the incredibly more powerful Canadian Dollar, Prime Minister Doom planned to construct his ultra-evil Mind Control ray then enslave all of man-kind, to do his over-the-top evil bidding.

12:51PM - Futury Election Coverage

With the election less than two weeks away, I realized I knew very little about the platforms of the parties competing in this election. So I decided to do a little research into the major parties that are running this year and where they will stand in the future if they are elected. I must warn you that some of the results may seem disturbing. Also keep in mind I will try my best to remain completely unbiased, but as we all know this is impossible. So let’s start with the party in the lead right now, The Conservatives

The Conservative Party was formed in 2003 when the PC party and the Canadian Alliance joined together to form some sort of super party. In Dragon Ball Z terms there power level jumped from a measly 1 million to close to 120 million. Offering a plethora of tax cuts and incentives for business this is the obvious choice for any business oriented Canadian. Lead by the 46 year old Stephen Harper this party will cut the GST from 7 to 5 percent. Saving 2 cents on every dollar will allow Canada to enjoy a new found economic boon where every will drive luxury cars and eat caviar in their mansion. But we must not be fooled by the promises of decadence and an easy life. Like the insidious Emperor Palpatine, there is much more fool things underfoot. You may have heard or at least seen the last few attack ads by the liberals which tell a tale of Harper and the Conservatives melding Canada into a totalitarian police state where soldiers patrol the streets (with -guns- no less! Soldiers with guns.) These adds state that they’re "not making this up" And as an expert "seer into the future guy" I have to say it’s completely and 100% true!

Soon after the conservative government is elected Stephen Harper and his cronies consolidate power within parliament, killing or imprisoning rival party members. Canadian military presence is expanded 100 fold and soon soldier are marching down the streets of every major Canadian city, (Except Winnipeg, no one wants Winnipeg and it’s forced to pack up and leave Canada forever in 2012. It settles on a private island far from the prying eyes of Canadians until 2076 when the island is consumed by a large tsunami. It is not seen again until 2642 when futuristic explorers are crediting with finding, "The lost city of Winnipeg) Harper reveals that he was actually a Conservative experiment to clone Hitler. Gays and Lesbians are relegated back to their role as second class citizens and health care is immediately dismantled. All our natural resources are harvested systemically and sold to the US. Then he declares all Jedi, enemies of the state and sends his Dark Apprentice, Darth Vader to storm the Jedi temple on Coruscant, I mean Ottawa and kill them all. Did I mention he clubs seals too? Cause he does.

 We all should have realized something was fishy from this old photo of Steve, from a Nazi Rally

With relations with the US at an all time high. Hitler, er... Harper unveils his most sinister plan yet, and invades the United States on April fools day, 2039. The Canadian military all dressed as Clowns and their tanks painted in bright oranges and yellows cross the boarder and take the White House with barely any resistance. None of Americas top military personal believe the boarder officials when they call to say that a bunch of clowns are invading the United States on April Fools Day. By 2040 Canadian rules most of North and South America, Europe and Northern Africa. Canada switches it’s Capital from Ottawa to Berlin. And the Fourth Reich begins. Ultimately Canada is defeated late in the summer of 2045 when a offensive against Russia four years earlier, "Operation Barbarrosa II - We won’t fail a second time" fails. Harper then escapes in an inter-dimensional time rocket and we lose track of one another after that... I’m still waiting for him to write back.

Dan enjoys clubbing seals too.

4:53PM

I was reading Dinosaur Comics as I normally do to provide me with that extra bit of awesome that my day needs and low and behold they wrote a comic kind about me sorta. but not really.

5:39PM - An Update! From the Future!

Yes, I finally decided that it was about time to predict another portion of out future. I know it’s been a while, but sometimes it can be hard to try and string a few hundred words together that are not only coherent, but at least mildly amusing to the people who bother to read them.

Luckily all the pains and hassles of updating your blog in the future will be dealt away with when the science men (yes… that’s right. Only men) will discover the secret of the *scary music* Self-Updating Blog! No longer will people be forced to rack their puny brains trying to craft the perfectly written, grammatically correct, thought provoking, literary masterpieces that are so frequent on the average blog.

3:10PM - It has nothing to do withthe future, but it kicks anyways

The secret lair. There is no bigger status symbol in the super villains world that his base. Not only is it the location where you will be hatching all your diabolical schemes, it is also a window that shows others what kind of villain are you. When constructing your first lair, it is very important to keep in mind several aspects. Is the location you have chosen suitable for a secret lair? Will the base reflect your personality? Is there an easy means of escape should a Super Hero infiltrate your abode and defeat all your cunning traps? By following the advice I give below, hopefully it will help make your first base experience a good, explosion free (unless you're Dr. Explodor) experience.

To begin, let's talk about where you should build your new fortress of evil. Ask yourself, "Is this place secret enough for a base?" As a super villain, you don't want to be bothered by common every day nuisances, such as door to door salesmen and Mormons. Also try to avoid areas that have become cliche as secret lairs. Examples of these would be the abandoned amusement park, volcano island and the haunted castle. While these areas might seem ultra cool and a great place to start a base, you have to realize that when a super hero is searching for you, these are the first places he will look. What good is a secret lair if it's predictable? Instead look for a location where they would never look. Underneath a fast food restaurant, Or perhaps a space station. Not many super heroes have access to their own rocket ship, (Except for that dastardly Captain Cosmos, watch out for him.). Extra points if you build your secret lair right underneath the Super Heros' fortress of liberty, just for the look on his face.

Next, let's take a look at the people you will hire/create/resurrect to run and protect your base. Collectively known as henchman. Henchman are vital (even though a good villain would never admit this) to the proper running of the base. They guard your impregnable prison cells, operate your doomsday weaponry and ensure your base keeps that lemony fresh scent that you love but won't admit to. Make sure the type of henchman you use match not only your personality, but the bases decor as well. If your lair is a space station, high above the orbit of the Earth, don't use an army of undead zombies, that's just confusing. Instead use something more futuristic, like Kill-Bots, or if you're an evil alien dictator from the 9th dimension, consider hiring a band of the roughest Tylaxian mercenaries you can find. A note if you plan on using robots: Do not place a clearly marked directive over-ride button that will cause all your once-loyal Kill-Bots to turn on you and destroy your base. It may sound like a stupid point, but rest assured scenarios like this have happened many times before, much to the dismay of the robots former masters. If you do happen to use humans, ensure they are totally loyal by putting tiny microchips in their brains that will make them explode if they ever have any bad thoughts against you. While this may seem expensive and a little messy. You can rest assured that it is well worth the added expense. Plus it's super neat to watch!

Finally, we should take a bit of time to discuss what kind of traps you should populate your base with. This is the part where you should have lots of fun. Let your imagination run wild with possibilities. You always wanted a room with robotic-killer-buzzsaws and flying kill-a-ma-jigs. Now is your chance to build the traps of your dreams. Now, I'm not going to argue that fancy traps are lots of fun. But try not to get carried away with all your traps. The more elaborate the trap, the easier it is for the super hero to escape. Don't ask how this works, it just does. This doesn't mean don't build the complicated traps. Just make sure to put the simple death traps in there too. A death-beam will kill a super hero just as well as a slow rising pit of molten lava with only a hard to reach grate as a means of escape. Remember simple is often better. If you discover that your arch-nemesis has a weakness, use it to your advantage! Some people might call this cheap, and to be honest (yes even a villain can be honest once and a while) it is. But who cares? Villains are allowed to be cheap, it's what makes us evil. Trust me, you'll be thankful you had that extra stash of Unobtainium metal to defeat Seemingly-Invincible Man.

Creating your own secret lair is a very personal experience, and as such, I've left the major details of how you create yours, up to you. You may not agree with everything I've said (How dare you!) But I created this as more a guide of advice instead of a step-by-step instruction manual. Besides if everyone built there base exactly the same, it would be just that much easier for a super hero to waltz in and destroy it. Remember, sometimes even the best laid and coolest traps are not enough to stop these pillars of justice. Super heroes are very lucky by nature, and have a tendency to win, no matter what the odds against them are. Just make sure to be prepared if this happens to you. Make sure your self-destruct button is in good working order (Can't let the super-hero have all your neat stuff now can we?) And your escape pod/submarine/rocket/hatch/portal/hang glider/escape blimp is ready to go when you need it. And always cause a situation where the hero has to choose between capturing you and saving a loved one, or a puppy. That will ensure you escape to build a new lair every time.

5:31PM - Yar!

In the Future Nathan is a pirate.

 Undeniable Proof!

In the future all pirates are space pirates

6:31PM - Toast Post

Future Toast!

Toast will be an integral part of the humans diet in the future. The toast wars of 2042 will ensure this. Bread cooking technology will grow by leaps and bounds during this period. New Toaster technology will make burnt toast a thing of the past. No longer will countless slices of bread be wasted needlessly trying to attain that perfect combination. With this surplus of bread, world hunger will vanish as we know it, as people around the globe enjoy the crispy treat of toast.

Hungry Ethiopians (they're white in the future) rejoice under a big piece of toast.

With this new technology, we will be able to enjoy an unprecedented level of ‘toast decadence’ No longer will we have to waste time and energy spreading our favourite toppings on the bread. Using a simple voice interface we will be able to bake the flavour of a peanut butter and jelly right into the bread! All other spreads will be banned by decree of the Toast Pope in 2046. Use of other spreads is punishable by death. No one expects... the Toast Inquisition! "Why would they do such a thing?" you ask. Simple. It’s scientifically proven that all people who do not like peanut butter and jelly are demons.

The toast Pope hates demons.  You should too.

Like all the appliances of the future, toasters will be sentient. Probably programmed to emulate the personality of Gilbert Godfrey. Why the creators of these machines choose him, I’m not exactly clear on... As far as I can tell, he liberates mankind from the I-pods or something... The future is hazy sometimes.

man this post sucks...

9:48PM - Jetpacks: Blessing or Curse?

In the Future, everyone will zoom around on Jetpacks.  Not only will they allow people to travel great distances in short amounts of time.  They're also super neat!  And often chrome. I was going to list pros and cons of using jetpacks as transport.  But after thinking about it a little more, I realize that there are no cons!  Man jetpacks are totally tits...  And you can bet your sweet behind that they'll be a place clip your Ipod!  Or for those without one, your laser beam. 

 Doesn't this look like fun?

Anyone who doesn't like jetpacks is a Douche Bag.

9:04PM - Vision for the Future! Ipod

Lately the I-pod has garnered a lot of attention. It seems like they introduce a new version of this tiny music player every month. Smaller, lighter, new colours, more songs, longer battery life. The list goes on. How small can we make our music players before we lose them between the couch cushions? Do we really need to be able to have 6 billion songs at our fingertips accessible within a moments notice? According to Apple, of course we do!

With the power of technology I have been able to compile a picture of what Ipods with look like 20 to 30 years in the future.

Please note that this is merely a rendition, and may not be 100% accurate. The plasma rifle may be a little smaller.

Some of the new features on this I-pod will include. The already-mentioned plasma rifle and assassin mode, perfect for vaporizing Sarah Conner or any other future saviour of mankind. Hmmm not exactly sure why the I-pod would want to destroy its masters....

Durable titanium shell, For us clumsy folk, protects against any accidental drops, not to mention small arms fire, explosions, open flame and close combat. A Hydrogen-cell Nuclear Fusion Reactor provides 40 years of continuous playback and skip protection for all your songs and videos. With it’s powerful Neural-net processor you’ll be able to hold millions of songs! All accessible from an easy to use spin-wheel. Also, 6 interchangeable face-plates allow you to express your individuality by making your I-pod a different colour! Wow!

Yes the future of the I-pod is looking bright. Rest assured, Apple will be able to keep selling, slightly better versions of it’s I-pod for years to come. And still keep the price nice and high. And we’ll keep upgrading and buying new ones. Until one day when the I-pods become sentient and rise up against their oppressive music-loving masters. That'll teach us for dropping them constantly and making us listen to that damn new Franz Ferdinand Song 12 times in a row!